Kids in bed, wife out with friends. Time to see if I can polish off this contraband. http://amzn.com/B00T96XC0Q

Got my new keyboard today. That’s all the keys I’m licensed for.

Seems like a Jar Jar chew toy would earn millions.

Yeah, like I want to teach my dog to attack dinosaurs of all things.

I promise I will never be able to name or recognize any Kanye West song.

Having kids means not questioning the fake mustache stuck on your desk.